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HOCKEY 101 (The Sequel) by Sean Venedam

Thursday, June 12th, 2008 | Venny's Pennies: My Two Cents

By Sean Venedam    

As Canadian hockey players living abroad we are often ridiculed by the way we speak. Which is absolutely fine with us……..Now it’s pay back time……… Behind those dressing room walls we are having our own fun….. and at expense of someone else, I will call them the territorial enemy…. I have compiled a small list of questions that I have actually had no choice to answer and keep a strait face doing so. This is not a joke, these are actual questions that I have personally been asked over the years.

     If you have ever been confused or unsure about your country or area of origin you could possibly be Canadian or Alaskan if you have ever had to answer one of these…..

1. I met a guy while vacationing in Mexico, his name is “John Smith” and he lives in To-ron-to, do you know him? First of all, To-ron-to is not a three syllable word, it actually flows together and secondly, the population of the Toronto metropolitan area is close to 6 million people. So, no!  John is not a family friend.

2. Do you live in an igloo? I started to answer yes to this one and you should see the look and expressions on peoples faces. Then I follow it up with……..yeah, the temperature rarely changes, but when it does we become homeless until it cools off again or we can shoot an elk or caribou to make a tent out it’s hide….. Come on does anyone really live in an Igloo? If they do, they should consider a short sale or foreclosure because global warming must be doing a number on their up-keep.

3. How big is Canada? ( In an inquisitive yet sarcastic tone ) I guess there are no North American maps in circulation or maybe they are trying to make small talk…. Canada is actually the second largest country in the world (next to Russia) that being territorial size at 3.8 million square miles.

4. Do you hunt for food up there? Yes I actually do, and with my bare hands nonetheless, I go down to the local grocery store and pick out exactly what I would like to eat for the week, swat it of the shelves and put it into a cage so it can’t escape…. I believe they now call them grocery carts. The majority of the population does not hunt and concealed weapons are illegal.

5. Are those your real teeth? Is that a rude question, I’m still not quite sure. Ironically, I personally do not have all of mine but I still don’t know if that question is considered ok. With experience comes knowledge and I have found an answer to that question as well. I answer truthfully, then I pull the old political fast one……I quickly ask them how much money they make. I do it because that’s usually  the next question I’m asked. This is to deter the enemy from engaging any further in it’s interrogation………… mission accomplished and that concludes the verbal attack until the next time i have put on my fake smile with my fake teeth and run back to my teammates and tell them …….You are not going to believe what I heard today!!!!!!!!!!!!!